Forewarning: this is a sensitive one…
Maybe you’ve noticed my absence in writing lately. I’ve honestly been trying to avoid this post and I haven’t been able to write anything else in the meantime…but I can feel the Holy Spirit whispering “write this out!!!”
So I’m going to be obedient — here we go…
“Why do you care what anyone else thinks about you?” she asked, almost begging it out of me with deep concern.
My eyes zeroed in on hers and my words went something like this as I revealed to yet another friend my very real and ongoing personal struggle , “I don’t know, I guess it goes back to my people-pleasing motives. As much as I want to think it doesn’t, I suppose the sexual abuse from my childhood probably messes with me still, subconsciously…and that’s why I’m bothered if I think someone has a problem with me.”
That conversation between my friend and I isn’t too terribly seasoned, the words of encouragement she spoke over me as we visited are still fresh on my mind.
Fear is something I struggle with almost daily. And fear of acceptance is my biggest battle.
I want people to accept me for who I am. I don’t want to let them down. I want them to be pleased with who I’ve become.
There are times when I feel like I’m okay and other times when I think I could largely benefit from temporarily living in a mental institute to sort out and nullify my crazy. My friend had caught me on a not-so-good day. Continue reading “I’m Over You Fear!”
Part two of Even If…
After learning my daughter’s recent celiac test results came back positive, I’ve thought about how Satan could have a heyday with this, because before I knew that, I’d celebrated with a blog post (last week) on how McKenzie was better, her blood work was great the second time, and we were out of the woods praising God for healing…but then in the days since, the outcome has changed, so do we still have reason to celebrate and praise Him?
Do I still believe God can totally heal McKenzie, or that the positive test results for celiac may have shown up as a fluke deal, and that when we go to our next appointment to see the GI doctor later this month they’ll tell us she’s completely fine and to go back home?
BUT even if it’s not in God’s plan, even if our circumstances don’t change, even if McKenzie is fully diagnosed with “silly yak” disease we’re going to praise God regardless, and our faith is going to remain solid—because God is still God, He’s in control, and His ways and plans our better than ours. (Isaiah 55:8-9) Continue reading “Even If (part 2)”
Last month during worship-time at our church, the praise team asked the congregation, “if you could only sing (or listen) to one song for the rest of your life what would it be?” We were then supposed to simultaneously speak out the title of the song. I heard someone say Revelation Song, another said Jesus Loves Me, while others stood temporarily speechless.
I was one of the mute ones…
That’s a loaded question and it would take me more than a two-second prompt to come up with a reasonable answer. In the days following, I’ve thought a lot about it.
There’s so much good music out there and the idea of narrowing my choice to one song overwhelms me in a thought-provoking way. To really constrict it down I think a person has to self-evaluate, consider what season of life they’re in, and then select what speaks and resonates within their heart.
Years ago (as an early teen) I probably would’ve chosen something from Janis Joplin. I loved her raspy voice, and belting out Me and Bobby McGee to the top of my lungs always felt so powerful. Continue reading “Come As You Are”