I’m Over You Fear!

Forewarning: this is a sensitive one…

Maybe you’ve noticed my absence in writing lately. I’ve honestly been trying to avoid this post and I haven’t been able to write anything else in the meantime…but I can feel the Holy Spirit whispering “write this out!!!”

So I’m going to be obedient — here we go…

“Why do you care what anyone else thinks about you?” she asked, almost begging it out of me with deep concern.

My eyes zeroed in on hers as I revealed to yet another friend my very real and ongoing personal struggle, “I don’t know, I guess it goes back to my people-pleasing motives. As much as I want to think it doesn’t, I suppose the sexual abuse from my childhood probably messes with me still, subconsciously…and that’s why I’m bothered if I think someone has a problem with me.”

That conversation between my friend and I isn’t too terribly seasoned, the words of encouragement she spoke over me as we visited are still fresh on my mind.

Fear is something I struggle with almost daily. And fear of acceptance is my biggest battle.

I want people to accept me for who I am. I don’t want to let them down. I want them to be pleased with who I’ve become.

There are times when I feel like I’m okay and other times when I think I could largely benefit from temporarily living in a mental institute to sort out and nullify my crazy. My friend had caught me on a not-so-good day.

I’ve dealt with fear for as long as I can remember and have developed a poor habit to brace myself for the next bad thing to happen…

Fear when my mom would have a seizure and my hard working dad wasn’t home to look after her.

Fear when a homicide occurred in front of our California home when I was just six. For years I thought my life would end at the brutal hands of someone else because of that tragedy. More recently I’ve been able to talk myself out of that nonsense — for the most part.

Fear when my twelve-year-old-self finally told my parents I’d been being sexually abused by a close family member and some family friends. Their handling it left them in a rage — and me without much direction in coping.

Fear that my friends’ parents would find out that my dad was addicted to drugs and had a drinking problem and they wouldn’t allow their daughters to hang out with me.

Fear as a teenager that if I didn’t give into peer pressure then I wouldn’t be part of the “cool” crowd.

Fear when my dad, who’d finally cleaned up his act, had a dirt bike racing accident and was left a quadriplegic and ventilator dependent.

Fear when I fell asleep behind the wheel and our family’s car accident took my father’s life and left my brother with brain trauma.

My most reoccurring fear: that people will judge me by my past, my mistakes, my brokenness.

Fear.

It’s an emotion that I’ve allowed to become ingrained into my innermost thoughts for years. Surely I’ve allowed it to radically define me. And it’s exhausting.

I’m over it. I’m at my end with it.

I’ve finally had more than enough. I’m ready to pour out overbearing fear and fill up with Jesus’ overflowing peace and joy.

My biggest struggle, in getting healthy, (mentally) is that I know the truth of God’s perfect words in my mind, BUT I don’t always allow those truths to spread, connect, and melt down throughout my heart.

In the past few weeks though, as I’ve exhausted myself and pinpointed the deep rooted problem, I’ve felt hope in a whole new way. Hope that wants to redefine the way I look at myself. Hope that longs to proclaim true worth over me. Hope that brings peace within my soul.

Leaving me with positive counsel my friend advised me with truths she’d been given during her own battle in overcoming. She understood that I have trouble holding peace within my heart and I long for control and this was her encouragement:

Be humble and kind.

Be slow to react. Take time to think.

Remember God is still in control, no matter what happens.

Jesus loves you.

Give yourself mercy and grace.

Perfection is unattainable this side of Heaven.

Along with that, I’ve began reading scripture that directly grabs fear at its core and puts it in its place.

‘For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.’ -2 Timothy 1:7

‘So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?’ -Hebrews 13:6

I realize there will still be moments, maybe even days of torment, but I want to confidently hold onto this new hope and let go of my longtime character flaw of fear. Perhaps just writing this out and sharing my heart will help hold myself accountable — releasing fear and replacing it with God’s good peace.

Maybe this post was meant for no one other than myself — but if not — join me in believing and trusting that God can, will, and does offer hope if we just quiet our worry and allow Him to speak bold truth to our unsettled hearts.

Celebrations & Ramblings

Just a little update-post while I have some extra time today!

First the milestones:

  • Warren (my son) started going to public school this year, 4th grade…and he loves it! His teacher is amazing so that’s a huge bonus!
  • The beginning of September, WordPress notified me that For His Purpose blog has been a go for two years now!! When I first decided to start a blog I honestly didn’t think I had much more than two or three deep thoughts to share, so to think that I’ve now written over 80 posts in the past two years with 280 followers, blows my mind.
  • Had an awesome time at women’s weekend with maybe 45 minutes of sleep.
  • Nathan and I celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary last month…with…insert drumroll please…a trip to Subway! They have gluten-free bread! (Side note: always have it toasted, it helps kill the rubbery texture)

…Thinking back — I remember the first five years of our marriage wrapped up in worldly desires and completely oblivious to it — the next five years wandering if we were gonna make it to ten years, and now here we are at fifteen years covered in God’s goodness and His mercy and grace with a healthy, solid Christian marriage!! Praise Him!! I love you Nathan!

  • Nate recently built our chickens an epic chicken coop. It hasn’t encouraged them to become better egg layers though but it looks sweet!😕

  • Our charming, but sassy, daughter turned fourteen last week so tonight we’ll head to the roller rink to celebrate. The good news is if we break a leg our insurance deductible is met!

Counting blessings…I feel like I always become a bit more aware of my blessings once Autumn hits, guess it’s the idea of the Thanksgiving theme in the air. I do have a lot to be thankful for regardless of the time of year, and yesterday happened to be my birthday so I thought I’d create a list of things I’m thankful for, one for each year of my life. If you’re feeling ambitious you can count each one and you’ll figure out my age!


Here we go…I’m thankful for:
God, my faith, the Bible, my husband, my children, my mama, memories of my dad, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my brothers, my sister-in-laws, nieces, nephews, grandmas, genuine friends, yorkies, laughter, the mountains, the ocean, my church family, WordPress, substitute teaching, my salon job at the nursing home, yoga, reading, writing, cat naps, Tim Hawkins (Christian comedian), Anne W. (my mentor and friend from church), my imitation farmhouse, my chickens, camping, running, sunsets, the movie Elf, and lastly — fajitas!!

That was easy (actually had to delete some to have the right amount). It’d be hard for me to come up with even a handful of complaints so I must be on the right path!

I want to leave you with one last thought.

It’s from 1 Chronicles 28:9 and 10 when King David announces to his kingdom that his son Solomon will take his place on the throne and he will be the one to build a temple for God. Instructing his son, he says this to him:

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.”

As I was doing my Bible reading the other day I came across those verses. I’ve read them before, but reading them this time they boldly stood out to me.

As a Christian mom it’s my goal to see my kids grow in their faith and love the Lord wholeheartedly and I think King David’s words to his son here serve as a great example of what it looks like to really proclaim that desire. I want my children to know the Lord as their own — not by my faith, not by their dad’s…but by true, authentic, self-declared faith. My kids may not have the same task that Solomon was given, but the Lord has called each of them to serve Him in their own unique way and my prayer is that they would willingly discover His hope over their lives, knowing that I will fully encourage them along the way.

Hope you all have an awesome weekend!

What blessings are you counting? Are you more aware of them during this time of year?

Burnt Popcorn Lessons

Lately I’ve been volunteering to help in our church office on Monday afternoons.

I show up with half my house usually—plus my homeschooled daughter (every now and then). There are times when I have extra task to do while I’m there so I keep busy, other times I’m able to settle in and catch up on a good book or work on a Bible study or other personal things.

Having McKenzie with me I make sure to keep her occupied by leaving schoolwork for the afternoon so she has something to do to pass time.

Last Monday after her and I situated ourselves in the office she declared she was ready for her popcorn snack. She’s pretty serious about popcorn so I headed off to the kitchen immediately with the unpopped bag of popcorn in my hand and an eagerness to please my child as my mission.

All microwaves are different right?!!!

I placed the bag inside, closed the door, and hit the popcorn button…1 minute and 30 seconds…‘that doesn’t seem like it’ll be long enough’…I confidently thought to myself. And when the time was up sure enough there were still many pops happening one right after the other. I determined it was definitely in need of more cook-time and that surely there were unpopped kernels still nestled inside…so within a few seconds I had the microwave fired up again, setting the timer for one minute, and listening closely for the pops to begin again….ten seconds gone by…no pops…ten more seconds…still no pops..burnt scent…yes!!! I removed the bag with a puff of smoke trailing behind but was still hopeful that the contents might be salvageable.

Returning to the office where my sweet and charming girl was waiting for her buttery, salty treat I was greeted instead by an unimpressed, dejected expression followed by, “What did you do, mom?!!?”

The smell of burnt popcorn lingered all around.

I quickly explained and tried to resolve my poor attempt at popcorn-making by deciding I’d sift through the bag to gather any edible pieces, but once I pulled apart the seams, smoke poured out!! And continued to pour out…Y’all this isn’t even me being my overdramatized self, this is 100% serious-me right now!! McKenzie sulked in disgust and I laughed in true Alicia-character, it was all I could do in my humiliation.

Pastor Jeff came down to the office and his look said it all; any question of my craziness he may have ever had well he now had full confirmation. His wife and I are best friends and he knows we’re nuts together but this gave final validation that I’m crazy even without her. Our senior pastor strolled on down to the office as well and gave a chuckle of his own, as did the children’s director (actually she was laughing before she even stepped in).

I was nervous the smoke alarms were gonna sound…in some buildings when that happens the fire department waste no time and shows right up and I absolutely was not okay with that happening.

Each time I’d open the bag to cool, the smoke would billow out. I contemplated what to do…If I put it in the trashcan it might set papers on fire, if I kept it sitting out in the office the smell would choke us out.

I finally rolled it up, clipped it with a clothespin, and shoved it into my lunch bag zipping the top of my lunch bag closed tightly.

The smoke cleared after a while, but my hands smelled of burnt popcorn for the remainder of the afternoon even after washing with soap and water and using hand sanitizer several times.

I share this story with you because later that evening when I told my husband about it I laughed hysterically while McKenzie and I recalled the details — by then McKenzie had finally found laughter in the situation.

But as we explained our afternoon, I soon thought about how this was actually a result of me wanting more!!…unsatisfied with what I’d received.

And on a broader scale there are many times I’m guilty of wanting more…more shoes, more money, more home updates, more gluten-free peach crisp…more popped kernels of popcorn.

But “more” isn’t always in favor with me…because “more” can, at times, be the direct indication of selfishness.

If I want more shoes, then I need more closet space; if I want more home updates then I need more money. More peach-crisp means more sugar intake…you get the idea..

“More” can be overwhelming as it begs to cause discontent in my life and it threatens to take my eyes off Jesus.

Hebrews 13:5 says, Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

When the popcorn is burnt beyond rescuing, or the bank account is lingering below comfort, the Ray-ban shades don’t fit our budget, a friendship is faltering — we must remember that God is still God and He alone offers MORE than we could ever imagine to satisfy our greedy tendency.

My desire for more, needs to be wrapped up in wanting more Jesus. Through a healthy relationship in Him, true contentment and satisfaction are found with a lasting fulfillment.

In Honor of 9/11

***If time is an issue don’t even read my blog post, just go straight down to the video and be sure to watch the whole thing; it’s an incredible testimony of a man (pilot) who was originally scheduled to fly the first plane to crash on 9/11.***

When Nate and I first began homeschooling our kids we attended an annual homeschool conference every Spring. We had some best friends who would also go and we’d all make a long weekend out of it, enjoying adult company with one another. Some of our best memories have come from those days.

During the time that we’d spend at the actual conference I’m pretty sure the guys found most of their entertainment counting the number of pregnant women and sneaking catnaps hoping us wives wouldn’t notice. Each year the homeschool conference would host a guest speaker and to be honest some years were better than others depending on who was speaking, so I could actually understand the catnaps — but when Nate snores it’s loud…and in a room filled with scholarly people it’s embarrassing and not acceptable regardless of whoever’s speaking.

One year a husband and wife, Steve and Megan Schneibner, shared the stage and gave advice from their own experiences as homeschool parents of eight. As a couple they travel extensively — teaching on marriage, parenting, and discipleship and have authored several books and studies. I recall their talk-sessions as humbling, motivational, and filled with wisdom and if I remember right their talks even held my hubby’s interest!

But what has stuck with me the most was Steve’s remarkable story; I’ve attached a video — an interview where Steve describes the direct impact 9/11 had on his life.

***Info collected from familyconferences.org***

‘Steve Schneibner feels like he is living on borrowed time. He was initially scheduled to fly AA flight 11 on September 11, 2001, the first of four planes to be hijacked on that fateful day. Through a divine set of circumstances, Steve was bumped from that flight the night before by a more senior pilot…’

Schneibner’s strong Christian character and Biblical worldview make his experience an inspiring, heart-warming testimony to his faith. The video interview is about ten minutes long — well worth the time and honor to the 9/11 event.

I hope you’ll take time to watch!!❤️

A Thorn In My Flesh

If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time you know I openly share about past struggles and overcoming adversity through Christ’s strength. I’ve wrote about my failures and the reality of how I used to live one hundred percent in the world and not at all in God’s word.

There are times when Satan still torments my thoughts with shame or regret from my past—and it’s in those moments where I have to press into God’s truth, allow the Holy Spirit to remind me of memorized scripture, and spend time in prayer to counteract and push those thoughts away. I want so badly to not only push them away, but to throw them out, entirely…But I think of Paul’s writing in 2 Corinthians 12:7b and it helps me sort out my ongoing battle, “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.” -2 Corinthians 12:7b

The Bible isn’t clear on what Paul’s ‘thorn in the flesh’ was, but the phrase was used in a metaphorical state rather than a literal thorn in his flesh. We know this because he refers to the thorn given to him as ‘a messenger of Satan’.

It could have been a physical, spiritual, or mental ailment that Paul dealt with—whatever it was, he was given this “thorn” to keep him from becoming prideful. Paul was commissioned directly by God to spread the gospel and could’ve easily had an opportunity for bragging rights because of it, but the thorn acted as a reminder to not do so.

This thorn must’ve been a constant nagging or nuisance to him. Three times he prayed for it to be removed, yet God refused. (vs. 8)

God had purpose for the thorn in Paul’s flesh and it’s shown as we read and witness Paul’s strong character, humble mannerism, and zealous heart for missionary work.

The fact that Paul’s thorn in the flesh is never thoroughly described (as to what exactly he was dealing with) gives me hope; it makes it easy to relate and apply this scripture-insight to my own struggles.

Further on in verse 9 God drops this unarguable declaration on Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul doesn’t make any attempt to resist, rather his immediate and confident response in verse 10 is this: “That is why, for Christ sake, I delight in weaknesses, and insults, and hardships, in persecutions, and difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Don’t miss those words. A humble Paul sets a perfect example submitting to God’s will, nevertheless, with a thorn in tote and a messy past behind him—knowing his strength is because of Christ.

I know I’m not alone in my struggles. Those words of understanding between God and Paul are as much for Paul’s encouragement as they are for us. Some of you reading this post and these scripture verses right now are suffering mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally just like I do at times and we need to hold onto the promise of hope held in these verses.

Let’s back up just one more time to what God proclaimed over Paul in verse 9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Whew!! Good stuff.

This means that even in my weakness, in your weakness…God’s mercy and grace remain—regardless of negative circumstances.

At times my husband and I want nothing more than to pack up and move away from these old stomping grounds of ours. A chance at a fresh start where no one knows our past. We live in the very place where we once ran wild…but every attempt we’ve ever made toward moving away has always been shot down.

And in the midst of that I can feel God’s leading over our lives: ‘Right here is where I’ve placed you, and here is where you’ll stay. In this place, at this time, is where I’ll use you…even when you feel weak…I’ll use you for My purpose, through My power and My strength.’

…I’m in awe when I evaluate and take inventory of the ways He indeed has used us—regardless of our vulnerability, weaknesses, or insecurities.

I feel grateful as I teach 4th and 5th graders each Sunday morning at church, honored to help lead youth group over a bunch of crazy jr. high kids, and humbled when I take the opportunity to share God’s word with others…all for His purpose…even if it means I must do it with a thorn in my flesh.

God’s power transcends my weakness every time.

Wednesday night Pastor Trevor talked to our youth kiddos about ‘putting your past behind you and moving into the future with God at the top,’ and I want to leave you with the very words he gave them, “Getting past your past, means giving God your present.” …Goodness, I just love the simple, straightforward truth in that message!❤️

I’m heading to a lake-house cabin this afternoon for a relaxing weekend with some good friends from church, looking forward to it!! Hoping you all have a blessed weekend as well!!

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Avoiding Fourth of July Freak Outs

I was running late, which is more normal for me than not, unfortunately. The kids had stayed the night at my mom’s and my girls and I were supposed to be involved in a running event that was taking place sooner than I cared to acknowledge.

It happened to be the Fourth of July and my attitude was on the edge of rupturing and popping with the best of any ear-piercing firecrackers.

When I’m running late I just get bent out of shape, and anyone around me reaps the negative results. This was one of those times—one where I felt ready to burst and far from control of anything reasonably manageable.

I rushed into my mom’s house to grab my daughters so we could quickly make it to the park where the race was to begin in ten minutes. My sass-tude finally caved and wildly flared when I walked in to everyone still sleeping!

Like a string of black-cats that had just been lit, I set fire with my words! “Why in the world are y’all still sleeping?!! We have to be there in ten minutes!! If you’re coming with me then get up and get going!! Hurry up!!!”

You know the saying ‘dynamite comes in small packages’…that was me right then—except I’d bypassed any caution tags and went full on explosive. Continue reading “Avoiding Fourth of July Freak Outs”

Worth More Than Diamonds

For almost three years straight I hadn’t been able to find my wedding ring — which didn’t really surprise me because I was always misplacing it for a few days at a time prior to that.

I’d place it on the bathroom counter or leave it on my mom or mother-in-law’s kitchen sink and it’d sit there for days until someone would pipe up and let me know they found my ring…again…meanwhile I’d be frantically searching everywhere it was not, hoping to find it!

At one point I even went extreme and had my husband’s first initial tattooed to my finger during one of the many times my ring was missing. Now I have the letter N permanently tattooed to my ring finger, which is fine…BUT I live in Nebraska (Husker nation) and I’ve actually had several people ask me if the N was for that reason….umm no….I’ll keep from further commenting so no sassy comments come out.

Last week I’d really been thinking heavily about my real, original wedding ring. I even ‘re’searched spots I’d already checked a thousand other times. Continue reading “Worth More Than Diamonds”