This will be a vulnerable post—but since I’ve gone down the “vulnerable path” in many of my other blog posts I figure what’s another? Besides, most generally, I get someone who thanks me for being real and raw and for helping them sort out some part of their own mess, plus writing out my thoughts helps me process…and if there wasn’t a devotional reflection to go along, I wouldn’t bother making a post at all.
With that, here it goes…
I hate debt!…There! I said it.
We don’t have a ton of it—no student loans, no credit card debt, no lines of credit, etc…BUT we do have a vehicle loan and a house payment. And for nearly two years my goal has been to power pay that car loan off. I “planned” to make the last payment in February 2019, but unexpected medical expenses came about last year when my oldest daughter ended up with a ruptured appendix. Our kids’ health always trumps all. That being said, any money that was to go to the car loan went (instead) to a high insurance deductible…five digits high. That bill is now done and over and we’ve moved on…
This year I planned (once again) to power pay on the vehicle loan, hoping to pay it off sometime next year. But another wrench was thrown into the mix when our youngest daughter ended up sick. This Monday we’ll head to a GI specialist where our girl will have a double scope. They’re checking for Chrons or Celiac, so prayers for answers are seriously appreciated.
I’ve been on edge because she’s been feeling and looking great the past month so I don’t want this to be a procedure that could’ve been avoided. We’ll hit that very high insurance deductible once again. Peace of mind will make it worth it and I’m holding onto the hope that they’ll find the reason to the positive celiac blood-test results from last month, but if they don’t, I’ll be frustrated…I know myself well these days.
If I’m honest I’ve been pretty bitter about all of these doctor bills because it throws off my plan—my plan to finally kick the vehicle loan to the curb—my plan to be one step closer to debt-free—my plan that has caused me to see just how much of a control-freak (about money) I truly am…
My husband is the breadwinner in our house and I take care of the finances, that’s just how we’ve operated and it seems to work. So at the end of last month I toyed with the idea that we should move, and when I told my husband my reasoning he was like, “okay, sure”.
My plan was that if we moved, we have enough equity in our house that we’d be able to pay the hospital bill off, plus pay off the car loan, put a down payment on a different house, and then still have leftover for better health coverage…meanwhile tithing all the while, no worries!
It seemed like the quick, solve-the-problem-right-away-fix.
I scheduled house viewings and we set off to check them out. There were good and bad points to each of the houses, but when it came down to it they were completely missing some of our most desirable features our current home and property offer. Something seemed off about moving, YET in the back of my mind I kept thinking, ‘but God doesn’t want us to have this debt we have, it’s such a burden!’ …However when I spent time in prayer I kept feeling just the opposite; I’ve continually felt this gentle whispering over my heart, “I’m not worried about your financial debt…your greatest debt has already been paid in full by my Son on the cross—I’m more concerned over your heart and your obsession over making debt and money a stress and top priority”…
Ouch! And just to reiterate this truth, God has layed before my eyes scripture to back it up. Through some devotions I’ve recently read I came across several verses to settle my uneasy, anxious thoughts. Matthew 6:34 teaches me that my plans, my worries, and my control-freak mannerism can’t coincide when I claim to trust God, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
And Luke 16:13, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”
Yes, the Bible certainly directs us in avoiding debt, but the topics (and theme) of avoiding worry, anxiety, and money-obsession saturate the pages of scripture even more so.
If I can stay focused on God‘s word, I don’t need to get bent out of shape about earthly, material matters. I don’t need to—and shouldn’t—grow anxious over making these payments. God provides, and my heart needs to be thankful we have the means to cover these expenses, regardless of it not being the way I had originally “planned”.
Most important are my faith and my daughter’s health—not any amount of money or debt—after all my greatest debt was already dealt with and paid in full on Calvary…
For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. -Mark 10:45
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Matthew 6:21